Often, as I am out, I will compose letters to people. Not just anyone, mostly people who frustrate me or make me happy. It's a letter of extremes. I very rarely think to write a letter to the every-man on the street just minding his/her own business. I do, however, think to write letters in my head about things that irritate me or make me smile.
So, as I sat in the movies yesterday, I eloquently composed a few letters... here they go. Not so eloquent, but effective none the less.
Dear Lady with TWO babies at a PG-13 movie...
I understand that this is the Simpson's movie and you think it is a cartoon. I understand that you very probably allow your children to watch the Simpson's at home while you make dinner. I understand that you very possibly are one of those parents who allow their youngster to also watch South Park just because it is a cartoon and cartoons must all be for kids. I also understand that you probably have the IQ of Homer Simpson's nose hair. Now, taking that into consideration, I find it helpful to remind you of a few things. Movies rated PG-13 are usually rated that way for a reason. The ratings board didn't just arbitrarily come up with that 13 number cause they thought it was lucky. No. There is a reason. There are bad words. There is casual nudity. There is violence. It is the freakin' Simpson's for goodness sake. So, please understand that this movie is not appropriate for your child who happens to be 11 years below the PG-13 limit.
Also know that children that age get bored. My goodness, I get bored after 30 minutes of ANYTHING, so your child must get bored too.
Please know that when your child makes noise in the movie theatre, they are trying to tell you that they are bored. Now would be a good time to leave and find another activity for them to do. Please do not wait till they are screaming at the top of their lungs. It isn't fun for you, the child, or me, who happens to be sitting the next row down from you.
Really. I promise.
So, lady with children at the movies, I hope you take this with all the love that is intended and leave your freakin' kids home. We will all be better off.
Thanks and Love ya!
Also,
Dear Movie Theatre,
If you say the movie begins at 4:40, make it start at 4:40! I don't want to watch the commercials of the commercials before the previews. I don't want to watch some guy interviewing fake people. I just want to watch the movie...on time! If you are doing that in order to accommodate the late people then tough. They should have figured out that they needed to plan better. What? You missed half the movie cause you couldn't get you and your twelve children all ready? Oh. That is too bad. Try again some other time.
Love ya!
Oh, and finally...
Dear People of Earth,
Alvin and the Chipmunks were freakin' HI-larious when I was 10. Once you become a teenager, the magic sort of ends. Really, this is one part of retro we can do without, don't you think?
start working on that.
Thanks so much!
Kisses!
