This past Tuesday, I got up early and wandered into my closet to find the perfect clothes for the day. As I got ready, slipped into the flag sweater and drove to the polling place, I could feel a pit in my stomach. I had been debating for a long time about who to vote for. Quite honestly, I didn't like either one of them. I didn't want to vote for either one of them. As I stood there and colored in the big square next to a name in dark print, I prayed silently. I prayed for God to give whomever takes the job guidance and understanding. I prayed for our country to work together and for things to get better.
And as we sat and watched the polling information come in that night, I prayed again...for clarity for people of our country. For Hope, and for good will.
I watched as people (some of my great friends) cried, and laughed, chanted and celebrated. They have so much faith in one man, in the fact that he will produce change. I didn't celebrate. Not that I am not happy that he won. I didn't celebrate because quite honestly, I have no faith in either one of them. I have no faith in politicians to do what is right. I have, quite frankly, very little faith in people.
My mom told me early on that I hold people to very high standards. Then I get disappointed when they don't meet those standards. She is so so right. That is me. Hence, my lack of faith in people. They just disappoint me.
But God on the other hand, God I have faith in. God is the one thing that I feel comfort about. God is there. No matter what.
Don't get me wrong. There have been days when I was PISSED at God. When I wanted answers. When I wanted to know WHY and WHEN and HOW and WHAT. And I wanted those answers then and now.
When BT lost his job was the first time I felt it. I mean really felt it. God was there, but I didn't want to speak to God. Its like a good friend, who comes to see you every day and you sit there refusing to talk to him/her. The friend calls you every day and you don't answer. God wasn't gone. I was.
And then there was the latest issue with God...
Every year, our church has a labyrinth. As I walk through it, I talk to God. I love to get to the center of the labyrinth and just sit, listening for God to speak to me. As I slowly walk out, I leave feeling a sense of clarity. A sense of Grace. And a sense of Peace.
This past January, I walked into the labyrinth looking for answers. I wanted a relationship with God. I wanted to sit in the middle and soak up God's love. But as I prayed, I watched myself as in slow motion walking out of the labyrinth. Never once in that prayer time, in my walking, had I reached the middle. I had walked in just as confused as I left.
Even then, in the midst of chaos and confusion, I didn't doubt that God was there.
I did doubt why God walked me out without full clarity. But I didn't doubt that God was still there.
My prayer for you friend, is for you to know in the core of your being that God is there.
You may be pissed at God. You may be unsure of God's plans for you. But know... beyond a Shadow of a Doubt, that God loves you.
Have faith in God. The faith in people will come later. At least I hope so.
