No amount of reasoning can help it.
I had to have been 7, maybe 8 when I saw a high school kid on crutches. I asked his friend, also a smart assed teenager what happened to make the guy break his leg. The friend told me, as matter of factly as he could, that the guy hadn't cut his toenails, had fallen, and broke his leg. When you are 8, these things are logical. Young brains can reason out anything. Even now, I know how bones break, but you can bet my toenails are always super short.
Funny how things get stuck in your head.
When I was in high school, I kissed a boy. Not just any boy. My boyfriend's best friend. Long story. Very long story. But the next day, I had the biggest fever blister of my life! Bigger than life, I thought. Oh crap. Does Boyfriend's best friend have one too? Surely that would be our sign to the world! Surely that would tell on us.
But luckily for us, he didn't. I still carried around the fever blister, my own little scarlet letter that only I knew about.
Funny how things get stuck in your head.
January was, for better words, a craptastic month for me. Pretty crappy indeed. I screwed some things up pretty badly and I beat myself up pretty well for it.
I didn't do anything like kiss a boy I shouldn't have, but I did do some stupid stuff. And all of a sudden, there comes a fever blister. There comes my scarlet A for all to see. My big sign announcing to the world what a screw up I am.
Funny how things get stuck in your head.
So, I have been carrying around the scars of a fever blister now for a month. It hasn't healed. It hasn't gone away. I can't seem to heal either. I can't seem to let go of the past and my being less than perfect. I can't seem to heal the emotional scar either. But I am working on it.
Funny how things get stuck in your head.
I bought some cat shoes the other day. I decided that they would get me out of my funk. They were my good luck charms. They were going to heal my scars.
I know, really and truly that only I can forgive myself for letting myself down, shoes won't do that for me... but in my mind, they are what will escape me from my funk. So far they are working.
Funny how things get stuck in your head...and on your feet.
3 comments:
Okay, now I understand the cat shoes. The pictures I have are so hugantic that I couldn't tell anything about them.
Please tell yourself it is okay to make mistakes, we all do. MOM
:(
My little friend: What a crummy life lately!
I want you to be happy, not sad, so I will just say... I believe you manage to do a number of things right, even when you feel you are doing everything wrong.
You sent me flowers! You helped me join the RevGals ring. And I'm only one little person you know.
How many other kind deeds might have slipped through the cracks while you were screwing up royally? Just a thought. :)
And, OK, even though I meant to say just one thing, I'll go ahead and add one more: Perhaps the mistakes weren't as big to other people as they were to you.
Just, just maybe?
Or perhaps those of us who love you will choose not to care so much as you do, because we are ever ready to forgive.
I love you friend! Take heart! Be still. Wait on the Lord. He will raise you up... bear you on the breath of dawn... give you wings and hold you in the palm of His hand.
I think magic shoes are just the thing! (I didn't comment earlier, but I intended to come back to this post.) We all do things like that, because they're little tricks we trick ourselves with, to get ourselves beyond some kind of mental block. As long as we know we're tricking ourselves, I think it's a totally valid way to get beyond the block! I hope your Forgiveness Shoes continue to remind you to embrace yourself fully, for the lovely being you are.
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